09 March 2008

Fear the mindkiller

I am opening a shop in my industry, which is a small, cantankerous and secretive world only recently come up from the underground. There is an attitude in that world of playing fast and loose and defiant, with a strange and disturbing streak of unexpected conservativeness. I'm tired of dealing with working in an environment I have no control over, with shop owners who are either crazy, on drugs, or both. Not to say good people don't exist in the industry, I have met some wonderful people, most of whom had a similar discomfort at how a lot of our colleagues behave.
So I'm striking out and doing my own thing. It's a fearsome unmarked path, and thus far fraught with a lot of red tape. I suspect the red tape is a result of the industry's former underground thing and the horrible reputation it has garnered thereby. I am well out of my comfort zone in such a wide variety of ways, that I'm not sure I would recognize that beloved zone if I were to spot it again. So why? Why haven't I gone the far easier route and picked up a gig at another shop? I am talented enough that thus far job-getting hasn't been a struggle.
Most of it has to do with my attitude on fear. If something really frightens me I have to face it. (excluding really unlikely to need skills like swimming with sharks or skydiving) That whole fear is the mindkiller quote from Dune sunk in deep as a kid, and I do so want to be a human.This is why, despite my panic attack inducing fear of ladders and roofs, up I went to clean gutters last year. This stubbornness keeps pushing me through despite my morbid fear of dealing with 'the authorities,' my tension over what people may say about me behind my back, my horror of complete financial failure, and the long list of lesser fears that whisper to me of an easier way out.
My mother told me to petition Hecate for help, and I had to laugh. She's so not my patron goddess and lucky unlucky me, most of the gods I am close to like to bat me around and test my mettle for a long while before making everything easy all at once. Or, in more agnostic viewpoint, something in my psyche makes me torture myself and get all wrought up for a long time before things work out. Maybe it makes things feel more worthwhile, it certainly doesn't make all the crap I worry about any more realistic or easily resolved.
I suspect that whether oor not I'm successful business-wise, this will still be rewarding in an educational sense. And things do turn out all right, eventually. All prophecies come clear in retrospect, even if hindsight is fishy to me.

1 comment:

Ninian said...

"...and I do so want to be a human."

Seriously, you are one of the toughest HUMANS I know... Well, tough like a gourd - tough on the outside, squishy beneath the skin. (You're fruity on the inside.)
Hee-hee! I like that!
Gourd, gourd, gourd, gourd, gourd, gourd, gourd, gourd, gourd, gourd, gourd, gourd, gourd, gourd, gourd, gourd, gourd, gourd, gourd, gourd, gourd...